Jack Handey Quotes

Jack Handey Quotes: Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!
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Jack Handey Quote: I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
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Quotes about Jack Handey: Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said,
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Quote about Jack Handey: I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
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Jack Handey Sayings: If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
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Jack Handey Saying: Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't change, and a great big bag of money.
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Sayings about Jack Handey: I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house.
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Saying about Jack Handey: If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
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Jack Handey Quotes: It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says,
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Jack Handey Quote: MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called
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Quotes about Jack Handey: I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
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Quote about Jack Handey: If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say,
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Jack Handey Sayings: I think there should be something in science called the
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Jack Handey Saying: I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
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Sayings about Jack Handey: It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
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Saying about Jack Handey: Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
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Jack Handey Quotes: When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
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Jack Handey Quote: What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
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